What Would Happen if Star Wars and Star Trek Met
by Captain Kathryn Janeway
Summary: Insanity reign when Q bring the crew of the USS Enterprise 1701-D face to face with the main characters from Star Wars


What Would Happen if Star Wars and Star Trek Met  
  
It was an ordinary day on the Enterprise. Ordinary in the sense that the crew was faced with a seemingly insurmountable problem. Or two, or three. They had to somehow find a cure for a plague that was quickly destroying a planet, rid the Enterprise computer of a sudden and unexpected computer virus caused by Lt. Reginald Barclay and his holodeck doings, and refit the entire helm console after the insufferable genius Wesley Crusher had tried out some new moves on the Enterprise. Did I mention that Q had just shown up too? It was definitely an ordinary day on the Enterprise.  
Picard fumed as Q glowered over him. "I see you've managed to foul up things on your starship as usual," Q announced.  
"If you have nothing better to do than patronize us," Picard said, "get off my ship!"  
"Temper, temper, Jean-Luc," Q said. "And to think that I had planned a special surprise today."  
"And what would that be?" Picard said as the helm exploded, thanks to "help" from Wesley Crusher in it's repairs. Q grinned while everyone scrambled out of the way. With a wave of his hand he restored the helm.  
Picard stood horrified for a moment thinking he was actually going to have to thank Q. When the helm proceeded to explode again and again he changed his mind. "Is that really necessary?" Picard said.  
"I like the effect," Q said as the helm exploded for the fifth time. Crew members cautiously approached the helm with tricorders in hand to see if they could figure out what the heck was wrong with the thing. Q waved his hand again and the helm stopped exploding. In mid explosion that is. While the harried crew members, and one whining Wesley Crusher (It wasn't my fault!) examined the new peculiar state of things Q turned back to Picard. "Well," he said, "Interested?"  
"No," Picard said.  
"Not even if I volunteered to solve all your current problems before the surprise?" Q said.  
Picard sat silent for a moment. "Captain," Riker said, "We do only gave 3 hr. to find the cure for that plague."  
"And the Reg's latest holodeck gaffe is making it difficult to run engineering" LaForge said from his post.  
"And it would be nice to have the helm back to normal," one of the harried crew members added while shooting a dirty look at Wesley.  
"So you're saying I should say yes?" Picard said.  
"Yes!" everyone responded, including Q.  
Picard sighed. "Do your stuff, Q" he said.  
Q smiled and snapped his fingers. The helm returned to normal, a cure for the plague appeared in sickbay, and the virus disappeared as suddenly as it had appeared. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Then they all turned to Q wondering what the price for these great wonders was. Q snapped his fingers again and Picard flinched expecting the worse. Nothing happened. "Q..." Picard.  
"Captain!" Worf announced," Two ships have appeared off our port bow. One is approximately two times the size of the Enterprise the other is two times the size of a shuttlecraft."  
Picard raised an eyebrow and glanced at Q. "Let's just say there are from a galaxy far far away," Q said.  
At first Picard did not understand. Then he understood all too well. "Onscreen!" he said. Q wouldn't, Q couldn't. Q did. There on the screen was the Millennium Falcon and a Star Destroyer. Q had taken characters and things from the still popular Star Wars movies and made them real. Picard moaned. "Aren't there enough real things in the universe," he said, "without you having to draw on popular culture on Earth to make things."  
"But, Jean-Luc," Q said, "They are real. The events in your popular movies really did happen. George Lucas was an unusual man. He had some help from a rather unusual and creative entity I admit," Q said trying to look innocent and totally failing, "but all the things depicted in those movies took place."  
"That is so cool!" Wesley Crusher said. "Luke was always my favorite character!"  
"Figures the obnoxious character would be," Riker murmured as Wesley proceeded to have a mock lightsaber battle with some imaginary person.  
"Would you please stop that!" Q said and snapped his fingers.  
Wesley froze in midswing and stayed frozen. Everyone applauded Q. Q bowed. "Now," he said," to real business." He snapped his fingers again and several white glows appeared on the bridge. When the light died down all the familiar main characters from Star Wars were on the bridge. They were lined up in a straight line in front of the viewscreen. "From left to right!" Q said, "You have the famous Hans Solo, the gambling Lando Calrissian, and the walking carpet Chewbacca!"  
Chewbacca growled, and would have attacked Q if he was not so disoriented. Hans merely stared, while Lando tried to reason to himself how he had been transported from the rebel base to this strange ship.  
"Let's not forget the irritating and repulsive Luke Skywalker!" Q said.  
"What do you mean repulsive?" Luke said.  
Q ignored him. "We continue with the lovely, but somewhat staid, Leia."  
"Thank you," said Leia, who did not know the meaning of staid.  
"Here are the two droids R2D2 and C3PO!"  
"I am C3PO" 3PO said, "I am fluent in over 6 million forms,"  
Before 3PO could finish R2 interrupted him with a series of beeps and whistles. The computer roughly translated it as "Do you really think anybody cares dimwit?" 3PO maintained a dignified silence for a while after that.  
"And last, but not least" Q said, "That impressive, powerful Jedi with bad breath, Darth Vader!"  
Vader tried to force choke Q, but found he could not get a hold on him. He glanced over the bridge looking for escape routes. He noted the turbolift at the back of the bridge and silently bided his time.  
"Wow!" Wesley said, Q had forgotten to keep him frozen, "This is so totally cool! Luke Skywalker!" Wesley stepped forward and bowed, "you are the coolest of the cool!"  
"Why thank you," Luke said, "I suppose I am rather impressive to a puny mind like yours."  
Wesley, who could not tell he had been insulted, just stood gazing in admiration at Luke.  
Q, who did not like Luke's tone, frowned. "Hey," he said, "I am the most evolved being here and I claim full rights to condense to the crew of this ship."  
"How do you know you are more powerful than me?" Luke asked rashly.  
"Are you challenging me?" Q asked.  
"Yes, I am, unless you're afraid I'll beat you. You don't seem all that impressive to me. You probably just have a new technology we haven't heard of. You're just a conjurer who works slight of hands."  
"We'll see," Q said storm clouds literally gathering in his eyes. "Let's fight, Jedi," Q said.  
Luke drew out his lightsaber. "Aren't you going to use one?" he asked.  
"No," Q said, "I don't need one."  
"Q," Picard said," if you kill him..."  
"Oh, don't worry, Picard, I won't," Q said. He turned to Luke. "Let's rumble."  
Luke charged Q with his lightsaber. Q snapped his fingers. Luke disappeared and his lightsaber dropped to the floor. Wesley was the first one to spot what Q had done to Luke.  
"No!" Wesley said kneeling down on the floor by the helm. There stood a very confused looking cat. "You turned him into a cat!" he said,  
Q shrugged. "Now Data's cat, Spat, can have a playmate."  
"His name is Spot," Data said.  
"Whatever," Q said. He snapped his fingers and Luke the cat reappeared in Data's quarters. Spot, being a very smart cat, knew a bad apple when he saw one. He immediately flew at Luke hissing and spitting. Luke was very hard put to it to stay alive. He ran under the bed. Spot sat guard at the edge of the bed. Whenever Luke peeked out he would hiss and Luke would scurry back under.  
Meanwhile back on the bridge Picard had picked up the lightsaber. He gazed at it in wonder. "You know," he said," I've always wanted to fence with one of these things." He pondered a moment and threw caution to the wind. For once he was going to enjoy one of Q's visits. "Number one," he said, "You have the bridge." He quickly scurried to the turbolift before anyone could stop him.  
Wesley was still kneeling on the spot where he had found Luke. "Why?" he moaned.  
"Hey buck up," Hans said," none of us really liked him. The little whinehead was always messing things up. I thank you for turning him into a cat whoever you are," Hans said bowing to Q.  
Q preened under this praise.  
Wesley stood up full of rage. "You just say that because your jealous!" he said. "You don't have any special force powers! All you have is a hunk of junk you call a ship!"  
"Watch what you say about my ship!" Hans said.  
"Think we should stop Wes?" Geordi asked Riker.  
"Nah," Riker said, "this could get entertaining."  
"You're right!" Wes continued, " I can't call your ship a hunk of junk. That would be insulting the junk!"  
"That's it!" Hans said as he charged Wes.  
Wes gave a terrified yelp and ran for the turbolift. He dived inside and the doors closed just as Hans came running up. Hans stood pounding at the doors. Q, who felt like tormenting Wesley Crusher during this visit, snapped his fingers and Hans disappeared.  
"Where'd he go?" Riker asked.  
"Let's just say things got a little more heated in the turbolift," Q said.  
Wesley leaned back against the turbolift wall. What a close escape that had been! Suddenly Hans Solo appeared in front of Wesley Crusher. They both stood dumbfounded for a moment. That proved to be Wesley's salvation. Just as Hans realized who was in the turbolift with him the doors opened. Wesley darted out followed closely by an irate Hans Solo.  
Lando stood uncertainly on the bridge. Perhaps he should help Hans. As he started forward a pack of cards fell from one of his pockets. Riker picked it up. "You play cards?" he asked.  
Lando nodded and grinned. "Poker," he said.  
Riker raised his eyebrows. He stood irresolute for the moment. He couldn't abandon the bridge in a crisis situation. Still...poker sounded good. "Oh heck," he thought, "if Picard can do it."  
" Mr. Worf," Riker said, "You have the bridge." He led Lando to the turbolift and was swept away from the bridge.  
"My this is rather unusual," C3PO stated.  
R2D2 whistled in reply. "No, really?" the computer translated.  
"I am just saying this is a rather disturbing situation," 3PO said.  
"Ain't it the truth," Barclay murmured, who had been on the bridge for the entire crisis. An idea struck him. He really didn't like being on the bridge with Q there so he would offer to take the droids on a tour of the ship! Perhaps they would like to see the holodeck...  
"Excuse me," Barclay said, "Perhaps you two would like to see the ship?"  
3PO looked at Reg. "That is an excellent idea!" 3PO said.  
R2 whistled again. "Whatever," the computer translated.  
"Mr. Worf?" Barclay asked hesitantly.  
"Permission granted," said Worf who couldn't stand Reg's neurotic ways.  
"I should go to," Geordi said, "and make sure none of our visitors have made it to Engineering." Barclay, Geordi, 3PO, and R2 all exited the bridge.  
Worf shifted his weight uneasily. He did not like being in charge. He wasn't as qualified as, oh, say, Data...  
"Perhaps," Worf said, "I should show Chewbacca some of my battle sims."  
Chewie roared in approval. Worf nodded. "Data," he said, "you have the bridge." He exited with Chewie discussing the best way to slice an opponent open.  
Data stared at Leia, and Darth Vader, the only two remaining people on the bridge. "Perhaps," Data said, to Leia," You would like some female companionship?"  
"Yes," Leia said eyeing Vader wearily.  
"Dr. Crusher and Counselor Troi are both currently in sickbay," Data said, "Perhaps you would like to talk to them."  
"Yes," Leia said edging away from Vader who had just seemed to realize there was almost no one to stop him from killing the rebel leader, "I think I will."  
She quickly got in the turbolift. "Tell it to take you to sickbay," Data said.  
Leia nodded as the doors closed leaving Q, Data, and Vader alone on the bridge. "Isn't this fun!" Q said.  
Wesley ran as quickly as he could. No matter where he went Solo followed! He came up to Riker's quarters. To his surprise, as he stopped for a moment to catch his breath, the doors opened! He dove inside as Hans came barreling around the corner.  
Inside Wesley found a very disconsolate Lando. "What's wrong?" Wes asked as he hid behind Solo's best friend hoping that would keep him from killing him.  
Solo stormed in. "Get out of the way, Lando!" he said. "That kid is mine!"  
"Uhh, Hans," Lando said, "I have some bad news."  
"Bad news?" Hans said.  
"I sorta lost the Falcon in a um.. poker bet," Lando said.  
"What!" Hans said. "To who!"  
"Me," Riker said from the table.  
Hans slowly advanced on Lando, Wesley forgotten. "You bet my ship and lost it!" he said.  
"Could happen to anyone," Lando said.  
"Yeah," Wesley said, "Now maybe you can get a real ship!"  
Hans was livid. No, he was beyond livid. Way beyond. "I'll kill you both!" he said lunging at them. Lando and Wes quickly got out of his way and out of the cabin. "This way!" Wes said. "Maybe we can lose him in the Jeffries tubes!"  
Picard twirled Luke's lightsaber happily. He had just had the computer scan it and put it's pattern in the replicator. He could make as many as he wanted. As he ordered the replicator to spit out a dozen, a terrified Wesley Crusher and Lando Calrissian bolted past him with a heated Hans Solo close behind. Picard rose and eyebrow. He then shrugged, gathered up his dozen lightsabers and took them to the holodeck.  
Leia walked into sickbay. She found Dr. Crusher chatting with Counselor Troi by a diagnostic bed. Troi looked up. "Oh," she said, "Hello! I am Counselor Troi and this is Dr. Crusher. Has anyone been killed on the bridge yet?"  
"No," Leia said, "although Luke is now a cat."  
Crusher grinned. "I never liked him much in the movies anyway," she said.  
"And Hans is chasing a young man though the ship," Leia said. "Wesley!" Crusher said, her grin gone. She rushed out of sickbay.  
Leia glanced at Troi. Troi shrugged. "If anyone can keep Hans from killing Wesley she can."  
Leia sat down on the diagnostic bed. "Well, I hope Hans doesn't hurt him too badly before the Doctor shows up. Hans can really pack a wallop when he wants too."  
"So can Will," Troi said grinning.  
"Who?" Leia said.  
"The one with the beard," Troi said.  
"Ahh," Leia said. "Are you two a couple?"  
"Not quite, but, I like to think so."  
"Can't boyfriends be totally obnoxious at times?" Leia said.  
"I know!" said Troi. "Will is always making fun of my love for chocolate!"  
"The same here!" Leia said.  
"You like chocolate too!" Troi said.  
"Who doesn't?" Leia said.  
Troi and Leia giggled.  
Worf and Chewie were in the midst of a fierce battle with a dozen Romulans. As Chewie threw one against a wall, and Worf throttled another, the holodeck doors opened and Picard walked in. He stopped short as a Romulan flew by him, propelled by Wookie power. "I see you're busy," he said, "I'll find another holodeck." He quickly exited as another Romulan flew his way.  
On the bridge things were pretty quiet. Vader stood quietly by the viewscreen staring at Q and Data. Data was trying to monitor the whereabouts of the ship's visitor's while Q leaned back in the captain's chair and smiled.  
"You know, you aren't really doing anything here are you?" Q said to Vader.  
Vader remained silent.  
Q hit himself on the forehead. "Of course not your on a ship full of good guys!" he said. Q thought. He looked up grinning. "I know where you would be welcome!" he said. He snapped his fingers.  
Data turned around. "Where have you transported him?" he asked.  
"To a species that would appreciate his talents," Q said.  
Darth Vader rematerialized on a Borg ship. A couple drones looked at him curiously. They did not know how this humanoid had got here, but he was here now and had to be assimilated. "We are the Borg, " they said, "Your consciousness will be added to the Collective. Resistance is futile."  
The drones advanced on Vader. "You will do nothing to me," Vader said trying to use his ability to control those of weaker minds. The Borg did not stop for one second. "Your attempts at escape are futile," they said, "Resistance is futile."  
Vader drew out his lightsaber. As the drones advanced he caused a pipe to become detached from over head. He swung it down into the duo and sent them flying. He turned and quickly paced out of the room. He met three more Borg in a corridor. They fired blue laser like bolts at him. He deflected them with his lightsaber back at them. They fell over, wounded from their own weapons fire.  
Before Vader could do anything else he dissolved in a transporter beam. He reformed in front of the Borg queen. She regarded him thoughtfully. Her drones moved towards him, but she waved them off. "You are a, Jedi," she said.  
Vader turned off his lightsaber. "Yes," he said.  
The Borg queen tapped a few keys on a console near her. "You are awfully far from your galaxy," she said.  
"I was transported here by an entity named Q" he said.  
The Borg queen nodded. "Whatever the reason it is good," she said, "because I want you to rule with me."  
Vader stood dumbfounded for a moment. "Why?" he said,  
"You are powerful, and you can withstand my drones. You would make a perfect ruler. I get tired of the drones. They think what I want them to think. I cannot gain new ideas from them. But if you were to join me it is possible the universe might be at my command."  
Vader liked the sound of ruling the universe. "It sounds nice, but what's the catch?" Vader said.  
"Only that the moment you cease to help me, I assimilate you into the Collective."  
Vader looked at the drones. The prospect was not appealing. "If you do not help me," the queen said, "I will assimilate you anyway."  
"Then I will help you," Vader said, intending to double cross her and take over the ship at the first opportunity. And the first chance he got he going to get back at the entity known as Q.  
Wesley crawled through the Jeffries tubes, with Lando close behind. He quickly popped out on the deck Sickbay was located on. "Come on!" he said helping Lando out. "I can hear him coming!" Wesley and Lando darted away as Hans came out. Wesley steered for Sickbay. He and could hide in there. He would lock the door to his mom's office or something.  
Beverly Crusher ran down a corridor on the same deck. According to the computer, Wes had exited the Jeffries tubes on this deck. She came to an intersection. Wes and Lando ran past her followed by Solo. She took off after them.  
Wesley and Lando burst into sickbay, startling Leia and Troi, who had been having a very nice chat. Hans came in close behind.  
As Hans ran into Sickbay he got the sudden feeling someone was behind him. He half turned just in time to see Beverly Crusher hurtling at him. They fell to the floor with a bone jarring thud. Before Hans could say anything, Crusher grabbed him by his shirt. She was sitting on his chest. "Don't you ever," she said shaking him, "threaten my son again! Do you hear me!"  
"Y-yes ma'am!" Hans said as his head made contact with the floor. "Ow!"  
Crusher got off Solo. He stood up a little shakily. "I think I'll leave," he said heading for the door. Wesley was about to make a depreciating remark, but Lando clapped a hand over his mouth, and saved them from a second round of Hans' fury.  
Barclay was showing R2 and 3PO Engineering. "My," said 3PO, "I must say this much better maintained than the Falcon!"  
"Well of course," Barclay said, "This is the fleet's flagship. Everything is in tip top order around here!"  
Unnoticed by 3PO or Barclay, R2 was moving in on a computer outlet. He wondered what a strange ship like this would have to say to him. He stuck his cord in, and bombarded the computer with questions.  
Alarms went off all over the ship. Shipwide functions were stopping everywhere! "What the heck!" Geordi said. He looked at his monitor. He was stunned by what he saw. The computer was trying to deal with an overflow of new information. After a quick shipwide search Geordi found the problem at an outlet plug in Engineering. He made his way to it.  
R2 beeped happily to the computer. This was fun! Suddenly he felt two strong sets of hands pull him away from the wall. "Hey!" he whistled as the alarms silenced.  
Reg and Geordi had removed R2 from his socket. Geordi looked incredibly irritated. "Reg," he said, "get them out of Engineering."  
"A-aye sir," Reg stammered as he escorted the droids to a turbolift.  
  
"Now look what you've done," 3PO said to R2 as the turbolift doors closed.  
"Oh be quiet," R2 beeped.  
On the bridge Q spun in the captain's chair. Data gazed at him. "What is point of this exercise, Q?" Data said.  
"Chaos," Q said.  
"Well I'd say you achieved it," said a voice that rang through the room. Q stopped spinning and groaned. "Not you," he said.  
There was a white flash of light and a blond haired man appeared. He shook his head. "Q, Q, Q," he said, "What are we going to do with you?"  
"Go away and let me have my fun!" Q said.  
The second Q shook his head. "Sorry, Q, but the Continuum is ordering you to put everything back the way you found it. Unless you like the idea of being stripped of your powers again."  
Q groaned again. "Oh, all right," he said. He snapped his fingers. All the Star Wars people were instantly transported back to where they had been before Q interfered. Picard and all his staff were back on the bridge. They all looked around puzzledly.  
"There happy?" Q asked.  
"Not quite," the other Q said as he snapped his fingers. Darth Vader appeared. "I believe," the other Q said, "he has a score to settle with you."  
Vader didn't even try to force choke Q this time. He decided to do it manually as he tackled Q. He began to throttle him.  
Picard watched in interest. "You're not going to let him kill Q are you?" he asked.  
The other Q shook his head. "No, he still has some people in the Continuum to answer to for this episode." The other Q snapped his fingers and Vader disappeared. Q got up rubbing his throat. "If that will be all," he said, "I'm leaving now." He disappeared in a flash of white light. The other Q sighed and followed suit.  
Everything was quiet on the bridge for a moment. Then the helm exploded. "Captain!" Geordi said from his post, "Reg's computer virus is back!"  
The comm rang. "Captain," said Dr. Crusher, "the cure for the plague disappeared, but for some reason I still have three hours to solve it."  
Picard sighed. Q had certainly restored everything to the way it was before he interfered. "Well, then Doctor," he said, "let's find that cure. Picard out." It was all in an ordinary day's work on the Enterprise after all. 


End file.
